Stuff it is born

The last few days have been quite intense and triggered a relapse in my mental health issues. I was already on shaky ground but it seems to have worsened somewhat. 

I’m having unpleasant and intrusive thoughts and so anxious I feel like I’m going to die. It’s all because of a chain of events. Life has been stressful, to be truthful it always is. But the last few days the catalyst of all catalysts has sparked and left me spiralling out of control. It has left me reeling and just feeling like I can’t go on. I know I have felt like this before but each time it comes back around it feels worse than before and somehow more intense. 

On Friday I lost an exceptional friend. A friend I’ve known more than half my life and shared so much with. It would almost be better if it was through bereavement in a way as in ways it would be easier to swallow. But they are very much alive and well. We just can’t be friends anymore. 

I respect it but I don’t have to like it and of course it will hurt. So I’m grieving. I just don’t know how to carry on with life at the moment. Not exclusive to this loss but all the stress plus this event and it’s a pretty poor picture. 

I’ve cried so much I could vomit and my mouth is perpetually dry. I’m on edge and there’s no relief. There’s no distraction. No cure for this feeling. It’s just eating me. 

I need rest. But it’s early hours and I’m sat in a small box room in an A&E 20 miles from home, as my local crisis team is currently closed - due to an inability to staff it safely overnight. Everyone is busy and they don’t communicate very well and it’s easy to forget about patients when out of sight as they are looking after so many, and many much more unwell than myself - clinically anyway. 

I can hear the hustle and bustle outside my room. Doctors, nurses and HCAs chatting away, making each other laugh to pass the time. It’s nice to hear. The hard, plastic chair I’m sat in is bright purple, mostly uncomfortable but wonderful to rest my neck on. I’ve been told there’s a few patients they need to see here so I could be here a while, despite being invited in 2 hours ago and being advised there were 2 patients ahead of me. Nevermind. 

Hopefully they have a miracle or two to spare this morning. 

Until next time….